Horror Art Online: Brown Spots
by ultraatari
Summary: Things start to get spoo'py for Kirito as be plans to exact his revenge on the girl in the dark but upon meeting Asuna and a new player named Mandela realizes this isn't your average horror game.


Kirito decides he's going back into the game. He's going to go back in, confront the girl in the dark like a man, than shove both his swords up her two vaginal holes pure MMO combat style seeing as his attire has transferred over. His cousin crosses her arms and raises her eyebrow.

"Two vaginal holes? You're not familiar with female biology are you?"

"Pornhub is the only lesson in females I need sis..."

"It's...really not..."

Kirito lays down and turns on the nerve gear. The scene is different than before. This time it's snowing. He can see his breath and irl his arm hair stands up on end from the cold.

"Holy shit it's freezing! What's with the random weather pattern in this game? Can I set this to NON-global warming mode?"

All of a sudden a camaflouge white arm comes out the snow and touches Kirito's shoulder. "Kirito?" Kirito screams like a girl "No Yamata!!!" smacking it away and pulls out his two swords. Out of the pile of snow comes out Asuna.

"Calm down Kirito it's just me..."

"Asuna? I didn't know you had this game."

"Well YAH... what you think just cause I'm a gjrl I can't play horror?"

"Well...no I..."

"What because I'm a girl after we met in game I'm just gonna sit around all day drawing your name with little hearts on it and not have a life?"

"Look Asuna if you're just gonna be a tsundere bitch about it I can find the girl in the dark all by myself!"

"...Is that something racist?"

"There is a creepy girl, and when she points at you... you bleed."

"...Aaand?"

"And it kinda hurts. Like a migraine or something."

"AAAAND?"

"And what? it's unsettling!"

"You motherfucking pussy that's not scary! You know I had a house in this game!"

"Well I know a mortgage and electric bills can be scary on a limited income Asuna but I don't think the creator intended for..."

"No you blithering dolt HAD a house! Until the brown spots took it over..."

"...You mean mold?"

"EVERYBODY SAYS THAT. ITS NOT FUCKING MOLD!"

"Look thus far all ive seen is rain, snow, and low light... you know what relishes in that? Mold! Hell there's probably some mold around your coochie."

"Do you even KNOW how female biology works?!"

Another guy, clearly a player as he has the name "Mandela" hovering over his head comes running through the snow panting, dirty blonde and wearing leathered armor like he belonged from sword art as well but has inflamed mosquito looking bites all over him.

"Dude what happened to you?"

"(pantpant) You guys there's like... a bunch of insects eating my house I bought in game! I didn't think this thing had fucking minecraft sweepers! I knew I should have just reinstalled Mass Effect. Fuck this game..."

Asuna shoves Kirito out of the way.

"Did your house suddenly start growing brown little spots everywhere right before the insects started showing up?"

"Well now that you mention it yeah...but I thought that was just mold."

"UGHHH MEN..."

Kirito separates the two extending his arm.

"While I'm sure this little housing bubble is all very scary if you'll excuse me. I have a legitimate horror monster to slay and get mad loot when I kill her."

"Is...is that how this game works?"

"What you can't kill anything?"

"No you can...sometimes...sorta..."

"What do you mean?"

Asuna glances over and notices a little girl is watching them.

"Hey guys do you see that little girl over there?"

"That's her!!!"

"THAT's what you're all worked up about Kirito?!"

"Hey it's more relevant than your bad ingestment."

"Hey I spent a lot of gold on that house! Was gonna invite you over so we could have cyber sex but WHATEVER..."

"Wait what?"

Suddenly the girl points at them and the dudes nose starts bleeding prefusely. Asuna backs up "ew..." and the guy is all upset "great now my best armor has blood stains all over it!"

"You ain't getting away from me this time cunt!" Kirito runs at her sheathing his two swords screaming to the it's a brave new world song and she doesn't even put up a fight. It one hit she just kind of whimpers and falls down into the snow with a huge gash and shaking as she dies.

"Well that was...anti-climatic."

"Woops Kirito. Really grinding for that level 999 killing a defenseless little girl."

"A little girl with crazy psychic powers!"

"It's just a fucking nosebleed Kirito! I bleed more than that every month!"

Kirito does his hentai girl scream again.

"THIS IS WHY I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT FEMALE BIOLOGY!"

The guy just kind of looks at them blinking.

"You know these cute little quips between you two are great and all but what about my house?"

"What about MY house?"

"What even is the point of this game?! This isn't horror it's just nihilism!"

Suddenly a giant red arrow hovers over their heads pointing to a nearby town.

"Oh well that kinda helps..."

Asuna mumbles.

"Yeah sure is great to excuse writing yourself into a corner with oh it's a video game so it don't gotta make sense and here's a how we can railroad back on track!"

"Did...you just break the fourth wall Asuna?"

"I don't break walls Kirito, I build them. I build them and fucking brown spots take that away from me. Make sword art online great again Kirito."

"I umm..."

"Hey look you two a hookah lounge!"

"Oh ok."

They go inside the hookah lounge and there's someone who looks suspiciously like Shikamaru sitting there smoking. Kirito goes to walk right out the door but Asuna grabs his arm and pulls him back.

"Hello players. I'm going to be your tutorial guide to the wondrous horror adventure known as Horror Art Online."

"Why do you look like God damn Shikamaru?! What does Naruto have FUCK ALL to do with this game and what part of icky mold attracting termites and little girls who give you nosebleeds says horror to you?!"

"IT'S NOT MOLD" screams the Shikamaru guy than calmy smokes his hookah and blows it in their faces.

"I'm sure you have lots of questions about the nature of Horror Art Online..."

"You're not gonna tell me why you look like Shikamaru are you? Hey where did the other guy go?"

Kirito looks around. He begins walking around the hookah lounge. "Hey guy did you signout? Coulda at least friend requested me you prick..."

"Kirito what are you on about?"

"That guy! You know...the one whose house got eaten up by the brown spots just like yours?"

"What GUY? There was no GUY. I found you. We talked for a bit, you told me about some creepy girl who gave you nose bleeds, than..."

"Yes all that happened. But there was a guy with us. And now there isnt. He was specifically another player."

Shikamaru looking person smokes more hookah right into Kirito's face and says "what was the guys name?"

"Mandela. His name was Mandela and I kind of agree, maybe we should just play mass effect..."

Kirito suddenly pauses mid sentence and the X-Files theme plays in his head.

"OOOOHHHHHHH this iiiissss very meta wow..."


End file.
